On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
