Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
