why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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