Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
