plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
