Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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