We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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