I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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