i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
