I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Life without a bra equals bliss.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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