My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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