i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize