I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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