woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
