Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I had to cum in my sink.
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