I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
