I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
