I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
