i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
