Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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