If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
