My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
