There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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