we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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