you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
