I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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