it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
