If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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