Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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