I will die if light touches me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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