dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize