just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
