He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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