I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i believe in u and ur pee
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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