How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have feelings that need drinking.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
