Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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