She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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