my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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