I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
