I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
