Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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