it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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