Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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