remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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