so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
