Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
