i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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