you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
