Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
