I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
