thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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