Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
