i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
