my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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