I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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