u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
