The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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