Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
