I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
