i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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