its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
