TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
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