All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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