ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
