I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
