First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
