i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
