Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize